half-asleep and dreaming

i'm asleep. i'm still asleep. sometimes i want to shake myself so hard that my eyeballs would come out. i've been sleeping and dreaming my entire life.
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you told me to drop the issue and i did. i stopped talking about it, stopped finding ways to manipulate conversations. i don't even think about it. i go away for a week and forget about you but sometimes i wonder, am i just sweeping things under the rug? am i a ticking time bomb? sometimes i think about calling you but lose the motivation. do i even care?

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I don't feel anything. I don't feel alive, I don't feel depressed. I'm not excited, neither am I down. It's the worst place to be in, nothingness, and you don't even know why.

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i wasn't sure who i'd be marrying that day. i didn't like my gown. my sister was fixing my hair, i was in a fowl mood, "why are you fixing my hair when i have to cook chickpeas and spam?!"

I woke up and went downstairs to prepare a packed lunch of chickpeas and spam.